Thanks, but I got my coffee for now.

Fun fact: whenever I’m asked out for coffee for the first time with guy who may be showing signs he’s interested, I never let him pay for my coffee.

Weird, right? Especially in the culture I currently live in where coffee is big and is a popular way for people to meet for all kinds of reasons, including “low stakes dates”. First coffee with a person in this culture seems to be viewed as the first step into a relationship with them.

But here is why I never let him pay for my first coffee with him:

In the beginning stages of a potential relationship there’s a phase where you both are trying to get to know each other. Maybe he’s someone you’ve noticed around a lot but you haven’t shared many conversations with him yet to really know who he is, what his passions are, or what he wants to do with his life. That’s why this phase is so important, even though it’s sadly often overlooked.

When he musters up the courage to ask you for coffee, it’s okay to step into that first coffee with him a little unsure just because you don’t really know him yet, it’s actually supposed to be a time to simply ask questions and get to know him. NOT a time to get an emotional need met by him.

Don’t confuse coffee with a first date. And what I mean by that is, don’t be so quick to confuse the “getting to know someone” phase with “we’re dating”.

As someone shows interest in me and expresses they want to get to know me better, I want him to get to know me as his friend first, and respect me as such. For me, that shows he has healthy emotional boundaries (shocker, boundaries aren’t just physical), and isn’t wanting to meet up with me just to get an emotional need met by asking a girl out. It also shows me he’s secure in who he is simply because he doesn’t need to get a need met by meeting with me, and helps prove to me that he may be a safe person for me to be around, especially if things were to develop down the road.

I’ve been on a few first coffees where the guy had tried to outdo himself by insisting I let him pay for my coffee, running to each door to avoid allowing me to open them myself, and even insisting he pick me up from my house instead of me just meeting him at the coffee shop. And all of that is flattering for possibly any girl as the guy is trying to prove himself as a man. But for me I’d rather the guy prove to me on the first coffee that he’s a man by how he respects developing a foundation of simple friendship before eagerly rushing to treat me as his girlfriend, when in fact we’re not yet dating.

Now guys, don’t get me wrong, I love the enthusiasm and how eager you are to serve. Later on down the road that’s actually a beautiful way to let a girl know you genuinely care about her when you spend time with her. But in the very beginning while you’re trying to figure out where your heart is as you get to know a girl, please don’t treat her as your girlfriend. For me I would actually feel more respected if you treated me as your friend first, and allow space for the both of us to figure out where we are in this. But at the same time, don’t confuse space with no communication.

This is so important in this phase of relationships: don’t be afraid to OPENLY and even OVERLY COMMUNICATE. Communication is the only firm foundation a relationship can be built upon in the beginning, not emotions and feelings. Open and clear communication, even if it’s to communicate you just want to be friends, is essential. If you ask someone out for coffee, then ghost them as you try and figure yourself out, you’re only proving yourself to that person your insecurity, and maybe even more harshly, your immaturity (not attractive or respectful at all).

Long story short, on a first coffee with a guy I actually prefer being respected as a friend as I get to know him, instead of treated as his girlfriend from the get go. Even though they seem to be overlooked, healthy emotional boundaries are essential in both parties. Keep them in check before you sit down for a first coffee with someone, they’ll thank you later.

Thanks, but I got my coffee (for now). Earn my respect first, then later on I’ll let you have the honor of buying my coffee.