When Love Looks Like Boundaries

The desire to care and love people is a natural mission placed in each person's heart when they are born. Before God created us He already destined us to be lovers- lovers of Him, and lovers to those around us. The greatest commandment Jesus gave His disciples was “to love the Lord our God will all our heart, and love our neighbor as ourselves”. Love is something the Lord designed for us to use to strengthen and build up the people around us. But what happens when the love we show to someone is misused, and how do we remove ourselves from an unhealthy situation, even when God himself commanded us to love them?

People walk through processes. It’s just a part of life. You’ve walked through them, and I’ve walked through them. Processes are undeniably tough, but in the end they strengthen us and enable us to live as the bold leaders we were destined to be all along. But what happens when someone doesn’t let their process strengthen them, but instead avoids to face their situation all together?

When we avoid emotional processes, whether it be because we are afraid of facing what we know or don’t know, or simply because we don’t have time to sit and be emotional, we delay our growth. When we delay our growth we not only rob ourselves of the opportunity to heal, but most of the time our relationships with people also suffer in the hands of our emotional instability.

This is when manipulation finds its opportunity to creep its way in to our relationships.

I’ve had to learn this several times the hard way as I have a huge heart and desire to love and grow leaders. But I now know that people don’t normally grow without a process, and because of that I’ve had to learn what love looks like in these situations, especially with those who may be more emotionally unstable, and in what ways do I get to love those people well.

When a friend is going through something, most of us naturally want to do everything we can to support that person as they navigate their heart. But unfortunately when most people are going through something, if they are not emotionally stable they can quickly become manipulative in the friendships/relationships they have because when life seems to fall apart the natural response is to quickly try gaining control over something. This right here is key:

Don’t enable someone else’s process to manipulate and invalidate your heart.

For over three years I was emotionally manipulated by a person close to me who I tried to grow. But it wasn’t until I finally saw how I was being manipulated and until I had the guts to cut off the cycle and set boundaries was when I began to see just unhealthy that relationship was, even though I tried to be kind and help him through his process. I’ve been in a couple similar situations since then, and these situations showed me how ugly but sneaky manipulation is, and how to spot it in my relationships with people so I can adjust my heart accordingly.

Here are some signs I’ve compiled from experience on how your friendship/relationship with someone might be emotionally manipulative:

• they’re passive/aggressive in conversation

• their opinions/emotions/feelings are always prioritized over yours, and they force them on you to invalidate any way you may feel differently

• in conversation they don’t seek to understand but seek to prove their point

• they tell you something one day only to go back on their word the next

• they blame you for the way they feel victimized and they try forcing the responsibility of how they feel on you

• they control who you talk to/hang out with

• they demand constant attention, and threaten harm to you or themselves if otherwise

• they’re incapable of handling confrontation maturely, and blame you for where they lack

• accountability comes across as an attack because they they’re not able to see how their behavior is harming you and themselves

If someone you care about is going through a process and is showing these signs and you desire to help them in their process, the most beautiful way you get to love them in this season is to show them boundaries.

Boundaries do not mean you quit loving them, they enable you to love that person in a way they actually need to be loved, whether they realize it or not. Boundaries are a practical way you get to to honor that person and yourself. They are not only important to you as you guard your heart from anything potentially harmful, but they also help enable the growth and healing in a friend who would otherwise seek their healing in ways that may potentially violate you or another person.

Potential boundaries you may need to set up with a person who is emotionally manipulative could vary per situation and person, but can include setting physical/emotional distance and refusing to acknowledge them when they attempt to be manipulative. Communication with where boundaries are is key as you express to that person how they can honor your heart. And if offense rises up, remember that their reaction is on them not on you. Remind them how much you love them because setting boundaries may be offensive to them, but let them know that you’re not setting up boundaries from a place of fear or offense but out of a place of love. It’s also important to keep your heart in check and ask yourself what your motive is before setting boundaries.

Remember that even though you may want to help a friend all you can, they alone in the end are responsible for their own healing and growth, not you. All you are required to do is love them, and if healthily caring for them means setting up boundaries then let that be your joy, because in the end you’re setting that person up for successful growth.

You were created to love. But God never created you to be manipulated, you are worth so much more than that. If loving a person has shown to be more harmful than good, then there’s an opportunity right there to love them in a different way, which could mean setting up boundaries. It may be hard, especially for someone walking through a process, but in the end they will be thankful for the ways you showed love to them in their difficult season.

Let the hope you see for them at the end of their process be the thing that motivates you to love them in their process, whatever that may look like.